Upside Down & Sideways

Two years and a few hours ago my world, my future, my whole life was turned completely upside down and then knocked sideways. It will never be the same again.
~~~
I was in a strange parking garage in San Francisco paying for a 24hr come-and-go tag on my truck. I had left the hospital where Mike's surgery, expected to take most of the day, had already begun. The plan was to secure parking and a room and get back to wait. My phone rang with the hospital number. I caught my breath.

"This is Gina." My voice shook.

"Mrs. Ivey?" It was the surgeon. It was way too soon for an update and an update would have come from a nurse.

My knees buckled and I crumpled to the ground. I don't think I gasped or uttered any sound at first. I thought he was gone. I expected to hear that Mike had passed away on the operating table and I did NOT want to hear those words . Not on the stupid phone.

"Mrs. Ivey, are you here in the hospital?"

"No, I'm on my way back," I breathed.

"I have some news and as you probably guessed, it's not good news. Do you want to meet me here?"

"Yes. I'll be there as soon as I can."

I picked myself up off the concrete, waved off the stares of onlookers, and climbed up into that pick-up. I found the hospital parking area and wandered through the maze of adjoined buildings and corridors and elevators to the designated meeting spot, praying for wisdom and strength the whole way.

I thought there were two options. Either the surgery would work or Mike wouldn't make it. Neither one of us were prepared for a third option. Is anyone ever really prepared? I suddenly heard that nasty c-word in my head. Cancer. All the docs had said it - all the tests had been negative. But suddenly I realized, right before the doctor came around the corner, that he was not going to tell me that my husband was gone. He was going to tell me that my husband had some hell to live through first, before his body would die.

World. Upside down.
~~~
Where was my faith? It was and always has been in God and in His healing. I may never put into writing the conversations we had, Mike and I, before, during, & after that day. But the bottom line is that we knew what was coming.

There would be conversations and prayers and all kinds of communications with people: service providers, medical staff, family, friends. There would be talk of death and talk of life and talk of faith. We spoke faith, that's how we knew to speak in the face of death. Speak faith. Speak life. Truth overcomes fact. And in some cases Truth and fact are simply the same.

Life. Sideways.
~~~
The rest you all know. Mostly. I think. Some know more than others ever will. None know absolutely everything.

Me? Today? I'm ok. Not great but not done under. Today grief and I have an understanding. Some days grief has dragged me around like a broken doll. Some days I've put grief in the corner. Some days we've walked hand in hand. Some days we've separated for a bit. Some days we exist together, accepting each other like step-siblings who never met before being thrown together and told to share a life. Sometimes we fight like hungry animals over a fresh kill. Pun intended.

But grief is not the enemy. Death is the enemy. While grief is not invited to live here and share my home, my heart, my lungs for a lifetime - it is at least a guest. We do have some things to work on and work out. While frowned upon by some who hold that faith means never claiming anything related to death as ones own -- I do take ownership of my grief. It is my grief and I have things to work out with it and I will do with it as I need to, want to, and as God shows me to do. And while a part of it will always be around it will not always have a stronghold. It will not always have any hold. I loved deeply. I loved in conditions that required more love than I knew I had access to. And I thought I knew my access. So I grieve deeply, too.

No, grief is not my enemy. Grief is a tool to get to the other side of pain and loss. And MY grief is MY tool. It can't be taken from me. Who really wants it? I am not done with it yet, much as I desperately want to be. It's been used to slice open my heart and lay it bare and to clean out some uglies. It's hardly my favorite tool. But it's here now and for today - I take control over my tools.
~~~

Two years ago today my world turned upside down & sideways.

Today I see the beginnings of a new path. Today I see daylight.