My faith has been shaken. It's true. But not my profession of it, for I do believe. I do know in Whom I have believed, and I am certain of His hand steadfast in my life and gentle on my heart. Yet in my humanity I falter when I look at the waves around me. So I stand, and fall to my knees, on His Amazing Grace.
I don't blame God for things that happen. He is not SENDING me heartache to test or even to strengthen me, yet He does USE my pain and His comfort to build me up to be better and stronger.
We often hear, "God is in control," yet we forget that He is only in control of what we surrender to Him. He does not force His control on us, His children. He does not force His will on this world. We must CHOOSE Him.
He does not force His love and His mercy and His grace on any of us. Yet He is always in love with us. He is ALWAYS at the ready with SHOWERS of mercy and grace.
Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." "NOW" - because it, faith, must be rekindled with each cause to need it. Ephesians 2:8, "For by grace are ye saved through faith, and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God." My faith was first given as a gift, and through that faith I accepted the grace to be saved, set free. So are we all. So when I fall on my knees, EVERY time I do - I am showered in mercy and grace. I am refreshed to diligently seek God's kingdom and His righteousness, in the Bible, the Gospel, above any/all other understanding. Because only there - standing on Grace - can I live by faith (Romans 1:17).
My faith is strengthened by consistency in His Word. By Holy Spirit will I rise victorious. In moments, and months, of weakness - I will stand on His Amazing Grace.
From His lap,
♥~gigi
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQKBo0PeU98&feature=share
Tuesday, December 26, 2017
Friday, October 27, 2017
Upside Down & Sideways
Two years and a few hours ago my world, my future, my whole life was turned completely upside down and then knocked sideways. It will never be the same again.
~~~
I was in a strange parking garage in San Francisco paying for a 24hr come-and-go tag on my truck. I had left the hospital where Mike's surgery, expected to take most of the day, had already begun. The plan was to secure parking and a room and get back to wait. My phone rang with the hospital number. I caught my breath.
"This is Gina." My voice shook.
"Mrs. Ivey?" It was the surgeon. It was way too soon for an update and an update would have come from a nurse.
My knees buckled and I crumpled to the ground. I don't think I gasped or uttered any sound at first. I thought he was gone. I expected to hear that Mike had passed away on the operating table and I did NOT want to hear those words . Not on the stupid phone.
"Mrs. Ivey, are you here in the hospital?"
"No, I'm on my way back," I breathed.
"I have some news and as you probably guessed, it's not good news. Do you want to meet me here?"
"Yes. I'll be there as soon as I can."
I picked myself up off the concrete, waved off the stares of onlookers, and climbed up into that pick-up. I found the hospital parking area and wandered through the maze of adjoined buildings and corridors and elevators to the designated meeting spot, praying for wisdom and strength the whole way.
I thought there were two options. Either the surgery would work or Mike wouldn't make it. Neither one of us were prepared for a third option. Is anyone ever really prepared? I suddenly heard that nasty c-word in my head. Cancer. All the docs had said it - all the tests had been negative. But suddenly I realized, right before the doctor came around the corner, that he was not going to tell me that my husband was gone. He was going to tell me that my husband had some hell to live through first, before his body would die.
World. Upside down.
~~~
Where was my faith? It was and always has been in God and in His healing. I may never put into writing the conversations we had, Mike and I, before, during, & after that day. But the bottom line is that we knew what was coming.
There would be conversations and prayers and all kinds of communications with people: service providers, medical staff, family, friends. There would be talk of death and talk of life and talk of faith. We spoke faith, that's how we knew to speak in the face of death. Speak faith. Speak life. Truth overcomes fact. And in some cases Truth and fact are simply the same.
Life. Sideways.
~~~
The rest you all know. Mostly. I think. Some know more than others ever will. None know absolutely everything.
Me? Today? I'm ok. Not great but not done under. Today grief and I have an understanding. Some days grief has dragged me around like a broken doll. Some days I've put grief in the corner. Some days we've walked hand in hand. Some days we've separated for a bit. Some days we exist together, accepting each other like step-siblings who never met before being thrown together and told to share a life. Sometimes we fight like hungry animals over a fresh kill. Pun intended.
But grief is not the enemy. Death is the enemy. While grief is not invited to live here and share my home, my heart, my lungs for a lifetime - it is at least a guest. We do have some things to work on and work out. While frowned upon by some who hold that faith means never claiming anything related to death as ones own -- I do take ownership of my grief. It is my grief and I have things to work out with it and I will do with it as I need to, want to, and as God shows me to do. And while a part of it will always be around it will not always have a stronghold. It will not always have any hold. I loved deeply. I loved in conditions that required more love than I knew I had access to. And I thought I knew my access. So I grieve deeply, too.
No, grief is not my enemy. Grief is a tool to get to the other side of pain and loss. And MY grief is MY tool. It can't be taken from me. Who really wants it? I am not done with it yet, much as I desperately want to be. It's been used to slice open my heart and lay it bare and to clean out some uglies. It's hardly my favorite tool. But it's here now and for today - I take control over my tools.
~~~
~~~
I was in a strange parking garage in San Francisco paying for a 24hr come-and-go tag on my truck. I had left the hospital where Mike's surgery, expected to take most of the day, had already begun. The plan was to secure parking and a room and get back to wait. My phone rang with the hospital number. I caught my breath.
"This is Gina." My voice shook.
"Mrs. Ivey?" It was the surgeon. It was way too soon for an update and an update would have come from a nurse.
My knees buckled and I crumpled to the ground. I don't think I gasped or uttered any sound at first. I thought he was gone. I expected to hear that Mike had passed away on the operating table and I did NOT want to hear those words . Not on the stupid phone.
"Mrs. Ivey, are you here in the hospital?"
"No, I'm on my way back," I breathed.
"I have some news and as you probably guessed, it's not good news. Do you want to meet me here?"
"Yes. I'll be there as soon as I can."
I picked myself up off the concrete, waved off the stares of onlookers, and climbed up into that pick-up. I found the hospital parking area and wandered through the maze of adjoined buildings and corridors and elevators to the designated meeting spot, praying for wisdom and strength the whole way.
I thought there were two options. Either the surgery would work or Mike wouldn't make it. Neither one of us were prepared for a third option. Is anyone ever really prepared? I suddenly heard that nasty c-word in my head. Cancer. All the docs had said it - all the tests had been negative. But suddenly I realized, right before the doctor came around the corner, that he was not going to tell me that my husband was gone. He was going to tell me that my husband had some hell to live through first, before his body would die.
World. Upside down.
~~~
Where was my faith? It was and always has been in God and in His healing. I may never put into writing the conversations we had, Mike and I, before, during, & after that day. But the bottom line is that we knew what was coming.
There would be conversations and prayers and all kinds of communications with people: service providers, medical staff, family, friends. There would be talk of death and talk of life and talk of faith. We spoke faith, that's how we knew to speak in the face of death. Speak faith. Speak life. Truth overcomes fact. And in some cases Truth and fact are simply the same.
Life. Sideways.
~~~
The rest you all know. Mostly. I think. Some know more than others ever will. None know absolutely everything.
Me? Today? I'm ok. Not great but not done under. Today grief and I have an understanding. Some days grief has dragged me around like a broken doll. Some days I've put grief in the corner. Some days we've walked hand in hand. Some days we've separated for a bit. Some days we exist together, accepting each other like step-siblings who never met before being thrown together and told to share a life. Sometimes we fight like hungry animals over a fresh kill. Pun intended.
But grief is not the enemy. Death is the enemy. While grief is not invited to live here and share my home, my heart, my lungs for a lifetime - it is at least a guest. We do have some things to work on and work out. While frowned upon by some who hold that faith means never claiming anything related to death as ones own -- I do take ownership of my grief. It is my grief and I have things to work out with it and I will do with it as I need to, want to, and as God shows me to do. And while a part of it will always be around it will not always have a stronghold. It will not always have any hold. I loved deeply. I loved in conditions that required more love than I knew I had access to. And I thought I knew my access. So I grieve deeply, too.
No, grief is not my enemy. Grief is a tool to get to the other side of pain and loss. And MY grief is MY tool. It can't be taken from me. Who really wants it? I am not done with it yet, much as I desperately want to be. It's been used to slice open my heart and lay it bare and to clean out some uglies. It's hardly my favorite tool. But it's here now and for today - I take control over my tools.
~~~
Two years ago today my world turned upside down & sideways.
Today I see the beginnings of a new path. Today I see daylight.
Today I see the beginnings of a new path. Today I see daylight.
Monday, November 18, 2013
My Boys ~ My Heart
Hunter got straight A+'s. Highest gpa available to him. Overacheiver is he. Diligent worker and information seeker for sure. He's loving basket ball ...something he wanted nothing to do with not too long ago. He is coming out of his shell, he stands up for his brother, and his friends all call him "best."
Aaron's report card was equally awesome. Not the letter grades of his brother....but so much improvement in both effort and results that Mike and I were thrilled. We are all, parents/teachers/service providers/Holy Spirit -- we're all getting through...we're helping him to see his capabilities & he is learning self-control.
This is one teary, happy, deeply inspired mama. My children need me - and God help me I'm meeting those needs. Time? Tenderness? More? Less? Words? Silence? Hugs? Space? What is it they need? Parenting can be called an art, a skill - can be daunting and fatiguing - and so incredibly revealing and greatly empowering. I'm thankful for everyone involved in the growth of my boys. And ultimately in my own growth.
Father God, again and continually I leave my boys in Your strong and gentle hands. Your love and Your grace never cease to bring me to my knees. Thank You for my amazing family, here and in Utah - for taking any trial and every test and using them to refine us. May we bring You blessing and honor and praise, always. In Jesus' Holy Name - Amen.
Aaron's report card was equally awesome. Not the letter grades of his brother....but so much improvement in both effort and results that Mike and I were thrilled. We are all, parents/teachers/service providers/Holy Spirit -- we're all getting through...we're helping him to see his capabilities & he is learning self-control.
This is one teary, happy, deeply inspired mama. My children need me - and God help me I'm meeting those needs. Time? Tenderness? More? Less? Words? Silence? Hugs? Space? What is it they need? Parenting can be called an art, a skill - can be daunting and fatiguing - and so incredibly revealing and greatly empowering. I'm thankful for everyone involved in the growth of my boys. And ultimately in my own growth.
Father God, again and continually I leave my boys in Your strong and gentle hands. Your love and Your grace never cease to bring me to my knees. Thank You for my amazing family, here and in Utah - for taking any trial and every test and using them to refine us. May we bring You blessing and honor and praise, always. In Jesus' Holy Name - Amen.
Monday, January 7, 2013
My 1st Monday
So... I couldn't get up --well, didn't try very hard at all-- to take the boys to the bus today. I was surprised that it was after 7 already when I heard them getting dressed, but Mike had been up since like 4:30am and Aaron, upon getting up at his usual 5:15 -- kept his morning shenanigans for Mike. Nice for me but.....
Well anyway - no bus, so Mike thought he missed it and drove the boys to school down in Millville -- to find out that school does not start til TOMORROW. I'd promised him it was today. :0(
I had gone back to bed when they left -- everything hurts. Head. Chest. Neck. Shoulders. Everything EXCEPT this un-pulled tooth. Last night Mike told me he wants me to get a flu shot. This morning I laid in bed thinking -- why does he speak those thoughts out loud? Sshhhh - don't tell him I said that. ;-) Anyway - after the kids drove him crazy for awhile...he dons his warm workclothes and goes outside and fires up the woodsplitter. Because -- he still doesn't know WHAT has me in bed -- I think he just thinks I simply rudely left the kids to him.
For most of the morning Aaron was outside "with" Mike, sliding down the melted "snowslope" stairway. His snow clothes are soaked and now ripped (due to the steps peeking out through what's left of the ice that used to be snow). Hunter plays on his new Xbox and then, what else?...TV.
Fritzi keeps licking and whisper-yipping to try to get me out of bed, but since Aaron is in and out of the house she won't leave my side. I'm finally up at 11ish...still in pain, still sleepy, still wondering if the boys have permission to be doing any of the stuff they are doing. Some nice chatter with Hunter, and then after his movie is over I announce I'm taking control of the clicky. He doesn't like it but succombs to the loss of cartoons (that were echoing in my head with resounding fury). :-)
I discover that Mike is going to take the boys to Eskimo Hill for some snow fun. This worries me usually because of how Aaron can get and knowing Mike has worked with the wood in the cold all morning.......but I know he WANTS to take them so I just double-check that he doesn't need me to go along. I also make sure finally that he knows why I've been in bed and his frustrated mood suddenly changes to concern and I see my husband peek through again. :-) Makes me happy. ;-) Anyway -- they finally go. Lunch in hand, snow suits somewhat dried for the ride in the car, picked up a friend along the way. And I think about going back to bed again.
My body says YES. My heart, however, wants to revisit lessons learned yesterday. There are things to be done this year. Victories will be won by the Father as well as by my own hands. Yes - Father has empowered me to be who He has created me to be NOW. There is still preparation taking place for this year and the future...but there are also battles to be won TODAY. I am not a babe in the Word - I am a minister of the Gospel. I feed on the meat, consuming true purposeful calories designed as fuel to propel me forward as well as to sustain me through the duration of the life of a minister. It frustrates me to find myself sitting at the candy jar...wanting to taste the 'treats' that actuallyn hinder the progress of my strength and endurance training. It angers me to find myself wanting mother's milk (aka the feel-good messages) to keep things light and airy.
To WANT, to let myself believe I NEED, to go back to bed after noon today -- is not wrong when my body needs healing...but it doesn't. My body needs STRENGTHENING. My mind needs renewing. My spirit needs RIGOROUS rebuilding for this next leg of my journey. I've been in a research and/or meditation mode for awhile. I began a 100 day journey with no specific goal or destination in place. Rather, it was a test of sorts -- could/would I simply listen to God, search out and know some of the choices that would be lain before me, it was about not knowing the lay of the track on which I was running. The turn would be revealed just as I got to it. Whether to speed up or mark out a steady pace, also to be revealed right AT the time needed. It was more like racing a car, with ONE voice coming through headphones telling me what to expect and suggesting how to handle it AND giving me choices that I had the power to make on my own ---- but all only at the time needed.
ANYWAY.... I'm glad I have this outlet - this blog - because I really am very WORDY. ;-) ....ANYWAY .. this 1st 100 days is coming to a close, just in time for my birthday. For me...my birthday marks new beginnings for me. My birthday is when I make what others call resolutions. It is a time to reflect, to plan, to mark out some strategy, to define purpose. I'd like to invite you, those interested, along for parts of the journey of my next year. I won't write every day. I won't write about every detail. I won't even write about every distinguishing event. But I will share my heart. More importantly - what God lays on my heart TO BE shared.
Headache is gone. Praise the Lord. Heart is lighter. Glory to the Name of Jesus. Holy Spirit marks me with purpose and power. I will help you grow. Because He grows me.
Happy 1st Monday, 2013!! We have much to accomplish together, let's not pass this day, nor any other, without the Love of God, the Peace of Holy Spirit, and the Joy of Jesus my King. ♥~gli
Well anyway - no bus, so Mike thought he missed it and drove the boys to school down in Millville -- to find out that school does not start til TOMORROW. I'd promised him it was today. :0(
I had gone back to bed when they left -- everything hurts. Head. Chest. Neck. Shoulders. Everything EXCEPT this un-pulled tooth. Last night Mike told me he wants me to get a flu shot. This morning I laid in bed thinking -- why does he speak those thoughts out loud? Sshhhh - don't tell him I said that. ;-) Anyway - after the kids drove him crazy for awhile...he dons his warm workclothes and goes outside and fires up the woodsplitter. Because -- he still doesn't know WHAT has me in bed -- I think he just thinks I simply rudely left the kids to him.
For most of the morning Aaron was outside "with" Mike, sliding down the melted "snowslope" stairway. His snow clothes are soaked and now ripped (due to the steps peeking out through what's left of the ice that used to be snow). Hunter plays on his new Xbox and then, what else?...TV.
Fritzi keeps licking and whisper-yipping to try to get me out of bed, but since Aaron is in and out of the house she won't leave my side. I'm finally up at 11ish...still in pain, still sleepy, still wondering if the boys have permission to be doing any of the stuff they are doing. Some nice chatter with Hunter, and then after his movie is over I announce I'm taking control of the clicky. He doesn't like it but succombs to the loss of cartoons (that were echoing in my head with resounding fury). :-)
I discover that Mike is going to take the boys to Eskimo Hill for some snow fun. This worries me usually because of how Aaron can get and knowing Mike has worked with the wood in the cold all morning.......but I know he WANTS to take them so I just double-check that he doesn't need me to go along. I also make sure finally that he knows why I've been in bed and his frustrated mood suddenly changes to concern and I see my husband peek through again. :-) Makes me happy. ;-) Anyway -- they finally go. Lunch in hand, snow suits somewhat dried for the ride in the car, picked up a friend along the way. And I think about going back to bed again.
My body says YES. My heart, however, wants to revisit lessons learned yesterday. There are things to be done this year. Victories will be won by the Father as well as by my own hands. Yes - Father has empowered me to be who He has created me to be NOW. There is still preparation taking place for this year and the future...but there are also battles to be won TODAY. I am not a babe in the Word - I am a minister of the Gospel. I feed on the meat, consuming true purposeful calories designed as fuel to propel me forward as well as to sustain me through the duration of the life of a minister. It frustrates me to find myself sitting at the candy jar...wanting to taste the 'treats' that actuallyn hinder the progress of my strength and endurance training. It angers me to find myself wanting mother's milk (aka the feel-good messages) to keep things light and airy.
To WANT, to let myself believe I NEED, to go back to bed after noon today -- is not wrong when my body needs healing...but it doesn't. My body needs STRENGTHENING. My mind needs renewing. My spirit needs RIGOROUS rebuilding for this next leg of my journey. I've been in a research and/or meditation mode for awhile. I began a 100 day journey with no specific goal or destination in place. Rather, it was a test of sorts -- could/would I simply listen to God, search out and know some of the choices that would be lain before me, it was about not knowing the lay of the track on which I was running. The turn would be revealed just as I got to it. Whether to speed up or mark out a steady pace, also to be revealed right AT the time needed. It was more like racing a car, with ONE voice coming through headphones telling me what to expect and suggesting how to handle it AND giving me choices that I had the power to make on my own ---- but all only at the time needed.
ANYWAY.... I'm glad I have this outlet - this blog - because I really am very WORDY. ;-) ....ANYWAY .. this 1st 100 days is coming to a close, just in time for my birthday. For me...my birthday marks new beginnings for me. My birthday is when I make what others call resolutions. It is a time to reflect, to plan, to mark out some strategy, to define purpose. I'd like to invite you, those interested, along for parts of the journey of my next year. I won't write every day. I won't write about every detail. I won't even write about every distinguishing event. But I will share my heart. More importantly - what God lays on my heart TO BE shared.
Headache is gone. Praise the Lord. Heart is lighter. Glory to the Name of Jesus. Holy Spirit marks me with purpose and power. I will help you grow. Because He grows me.
Happy 1st Monday, 2013!! We have much to accomplish together, let's not pass this day, nor any other, without the Love of God, the Peace of Holy Spirit, and the Joy of Jesus my King. ♥~gli
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
2013 - the year of More Than
A few months ago, as I was contemplating myself, and breakthroughs of 2012 - this is what came to me:
"I am more than blessed. I am more than a conqueror. I have more than I can think or imagine. What comes after breakthroughs and MORE breakthroughs? MORE THAN! "I AM" is more than enough. Dream. Plan. Envision. Write it down. Declare it. Prepare for and expect MORE!!! ☺ ♥"
Since then I've felt that 2013 would be the year of "More Than." More than enough, perhaps. More than expected or believed? Maybe just more than last year. But in my time of training my thinking to focus on the desired outcome, rather than on the problem to be defeated, I realize that it is so important to have a next step. I'm not perfect at renewing my mind yet. It is a continual way of life because we are bombarded with possibilities and choices every day. Half empty / half full? Which thinker do I want to be? I want to be decisive and purposeful. I want to decide to drink it and move on. BUT...I want to be understanding to some degree of those stuck in the half empty mode.
Where does 'more than' come in? Right there. I've learned, and am still learning, to expect breakthroughs and suddenlies. God's divine intervention always comes. He holds the answers, He sees the big picture, He knows the future -- reliance on Him is just how life is lived. Not that I'm anywhere close to perfect in that. I am constantly learning and growing. I am 43 and still learning that my parents still know some things better than I do. (hopefully my almost 22 year old son is realizing the same) So I re-learn constantly about God's provision. But I do know...He has provided. He has broken through barriers that I've set up and those that the enemy has set up. I also know my Abba Father has soooo much more in store for me and for my family.
More breakthroughs are coming...but not simply for the act of tearing down the wall itself. For the action that must be taken beyond that wall. For the lives that will be changed by my stepping through the challenges before me. The race - the journey - sure every step gets me closer to my Lord -- but every step also holds within it the ability, the promise, of effecting dynamic change in someone else. People are the reason. Jesus is the reason for the holiday season we have just celebrated. People are HIS reason for bringing us to and through the seasons.
2013 holds promise. It contains purpose within it's doors and we have, all of us, stepped through them. What will we do with the promise? What will we do with the provision? What will we do with the challenges? What will we do when the tank seems to have been syphoned? We go straight to the Provider, the Promiser, The Word. Because He has MORE THAN we can ask or think planned for us in this year. 2013 will break many records and will show forth His Glory, His Presence, His Passion for His people.
Happy, Blessed New Year!!! ♥
"I am more than blessed. I am more than a conqueror. I have more than I can think or imagine. What comes after breakthroughs and MORE breakthroughs? MORE THAN! "I AM" is more than enough. Dream. Plan. Envision. Write it down. Declare it. Prepare for and expect MORE!!! ☺ ♥"
Since then I've felt that 2013 would be the year of "More Than." More than enough, perhaps. More than expected or believed? Maybe just more than last year. But in my time of training my thinking to focus on the desired outcome, rather than on the problem to be defeated, I realize that it is so important to have a next step. I'm not perfect at renewing my mind yet. It is a continual way of life because we are bombarded with possibilities and choices every day. Half empty / half full? Which thinker do I want to be? I want to be decisive and purposeful. I want to decide to drink it and move on. BUT...I want to be understanding to some degree of those stuck in the half empty mode.
Where does 'more than' come in? Right there. I've learned, and am still learning, to expect breakthroughs and suddenlies. God's divine intervention always comes. He holds the answers, He sees the big picture, He knows the future -- reliance on Him is just how life is lived. Not that I'm anywhere close to perfect in that. I am constantly learning and growing. I am 43 and still learning that my parents still know some things better than I do. (hopefully my almost 22 year old son is realizing the same) So I re-learn constantly about God's provision. But I do know...He has provided. He has broken through barriers that I've set up and those that the enemy has set up. I also know my Abba Father has soooo much more in store for me and for my family.
More breakthroughs are coming...but not simply for the act of tearing down the wall itself. For the action that must be taken beyond that wall. For the lives that will be changed by my stepping through the challenges before me. The race - the journey - sure every step gets me closer to my Lord -- but every step also holds within it the ability, the promise, of effecting dynamic change in someone else. People are the reason. Jesus is the reason for the holiday season we have just celebrated. People are HIS reason for bringing us to and through the seasons.
2013 holds promise. It contains purpose within it's doors and we have, all of us, stepped through them. What will we do with the promise? What will we do with the provision? What will we do with the challenges? What will we do when the tank seems to have been syphoned? We go straight to the Provider, the Promiser, The Word. Because He has MORE THAN we can ask or think planned for us in this year. 2013 will break many records and will show forth His Glory, His Presence, His Passion for His people.
Happy, Blessed New Year!!! ♥
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